Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Why Is That Guy Driving Without A Shirt?

Hello, my adoring fans. I know I haven't written for quite some time now. Summer has a devilish way of distracting you with other things. The rascal. However, summer is coming to an end. And so, my dear readers, I am here to ask you about one of the mysteries that comes with our sunny season: Shirtless Drivers. On any given day during the summer, you can spot at least one guy behind the wheel of his car sans shirt. Not that I'm offended by the lack of clothing, (if the guy is ripped then the sight may even be welcome) I'm merely curious. Baffled even. What motivates a shirtless driver? And since I'm too timid to ask one, here are some theories of mine.

  • If he wore his shirt, he would have nothing to fling over his shoulder at the amusement park.
  • He just got off his job as a bodybuilder.
  • He's allergic to fabric and class.
  • He's not wearing a shirt because this is America, dangit. Get your laws off his body.
  • He is a gullible emperor.
  • He doesn't want service at any restaurant.
  • He's on his way to a soap opera audition. Preferably something with "Love" in the title.
  • He had an argument with his shirt after his shirt promised to go to Walmart with him, but bailed at the last minute.
  • He's a diehard sports fan who is meeting his friends at the stadium, where they will spell out "Go Team" on their bellies. He will be the empty space between the words, to avoid possible "Got Eam" mispronunciations.
  • He can't afford a shirt because he spent all his money on pants, shoes, hats, sunglasses, thumb rings, and woven necklaces.
  • He just put a big tailpipe on his car, and now he's worried that his Honda can reach speeds fast enough to burn the clothes of his body. So to prevent a forest fire, he doesn't wear a shirt. He's the real hero.
  • He's a Twilight fan, hoping to find that his skin will sparkle in the sunlight.
  • He is wearing a shirt. It's just that our X-ray vision has finally kicked in.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Twenty Things of the 90's

Ahhh, the 90's. The days of my childhood. I've come up with a list of twenty great things from that blessed decade. This is for all you people who remember what it feels like to push a VHS tape into a VCR. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the nostalgia!

  1. The best darndest TV shows that ever existed.

    That's right, folks. The 90's rocked the house with television for kids. I still am a devoted fan to most of these shows, including (but definitely not limited to) Arthur, Boy Meets World, Recess, and Spongebob Squarepants.

  2. Skip-its

    Either you or someone you know had one of these. I totally owned one; it was purple, and I was awesome at it.

  3. Reading Rainbow

    "Butterfly in the sky
    I can go twice as high
    Take a look
    It's in a book
    A Reading Rainbow!"

    Gotta love that LeVar Burton. He's like the Old Spice guy of the 90's.
    Also included in the cool shows list are: The Magic School bus, Mr. Rogers, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

  4. Scooters
    No, I'm not talking about the mopeds that every BYU student seems to own. I'm not talking about those at all. I'm talkin' bout the old school, hard-core, totally awesome Razor scooters. You are not a true 90's child unless you spent your summers riding around on one of these bad boys.

  5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    ...makes me hungry for pizza, every time. Without fail.

  6. Whatever the heck THESE were called...

    You remember these...they were all stretchy and cool and everybody had at least one. No idea what they were called though.

  7. Fresh Prince

    "Now here is a story all about how, my life got flipped-turned upside down" *Cue everybody and their dog finishing the entire theme song* This show is where my love for Will Smith began. And just because I know you all want to listen to the song now, here ya go: Click HERE. Also, the Carlton Dance (yes, click that one too) remains one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

  8. Nintendo

    The one that started it all. Nintendo. Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt are awesome. And if THIS song doesn't bring back all your childhood gaming memories, I feel extremely sorry for you.

    8b. Rollercoaster Tycoon & Sims
    I couldn't resist putting in a tribute to the classic computer games as well. Sims was always great for seeing how many ways you could kill off your virtual person, and RT was just pure awesome.

  9. Bubble Tape

    I learned how to blow a bubble with Bubble Tape. No lie. I also love that zebra gum that had stick-on tattoos on the wrappers, even though the gum's flavor only lasted for about 3.2 seconds.

  10. Pokemon

    "It's super effective!" Ohhhhh, yes. The original Pokemon. The cards, the show, the game, you name it. However, the original 150 are the only ones I accept. And no matter what you say, Charizard (and/or Charmander) will always be my favorite.

  11. The Backstreet Boys

    The soundtrack to the 90's. Also included in the mix were N'Sync, Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Nirvana, Avril Lavigne, and many more.

  12. Slap bracelets
    Just another thing that defined you as a 90's kid.

  13. Bill Nye the Science Guy

    "Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!"
    My dad reminds me of him. A lot.

  14. Beanie Babies
    I always wanted to find one with the same birthday as me. But for now, I'll settle with my hedgehog that I named Giacomo.

  15. The Babysitter's Club books

    Also classic but not pictured: "Goosebumps" and "Animorphs". I promise, if you went to school in the 90's, you've read one of these books.

  16. The Oregon Trail Game

    The very best part of computer class in elementary school. Except when your family dies of dysentery or the measles. Then you feel all responsible for their deaths.

  17. Tamagotchis
    These were a huge deal. Your very own hand-held digital pet. I have known girls - and boys, for that matter - to cry when theirs died because they didn't feed them enough. True story.

  18. The Sandlot
    "You're killin me, Smalls!" Arguably one of the best (non-Disney) films of the 90's. That dog scared the crap out of me as a little kid, though. If you grew up in the 90's and didn't see this movie, shame on you.

  19. Furbys

    The creepiest toy ever made. Seriously.

    And last, but most certainly not least...


    I am a complete and total Disney nut. I absolutely adore the classic Disney movies (with the exception of Snow White..I hate that one). I can quote these movies to no end, and I will sing every song word for word. Lucky for me, all the classic movies came out when I was a kid. I even remember watching the trailers for a few of them. Lets just list some of those beauties, shall we?

    • Aladdin
    • Cinderella
    • Beauty and the Beast
    • Mulan
    • Toy Story ("Siiiid, your poptarts are ready!" "ALL RIGHT!!")
    • The Lion King
    • Robin Hood
    • The Goofy Movie
    • The Emperor's New Groove
    • Pocahontas
    • Tarzan
    • The Little Mermaid
    • Hercules

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness...

Bo! Bo!! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, shmeril. The floor's clean, right?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Alarm Clocks (Part 2)

So I'm guessing most of you have already read my post about alarm clocks. (If not, click here!) I thought I had found the worst of the alarm clocks out there: Clocky. However, I was surfing the web today, and to my horror and dismay, I discovered I was wrong. Dead wrong.

You remember how I told you that the alarm clock companies thrive on making you look like a dork first thing in the morning? You don't? Click on that link already, jeesh!! But if you do, here is my proof. Get ready for the Evilness. (And yes, these are all real.)

1. Attention! Ever wonder what waking up in the army would be like? Well today is your not-so-lucky day! With this Drill Sergeant clock, you can experience arising to a blasting of the morning bugle call "Reveille", before your very own sergeant starts barking orders at you.

2. Duck and Cover
Now, this little alarm grenade is not to wake YOURSELF up, but to wake up roommates, siblings, parents, bears, etc. (Caution: Do not attempt unless you are ok with the fact that said victim will most likely chase you out of the room and beat you to death with the closest available object. And then go back to sleep just to spite you.) How does it work? Simple. Pull the pin, throw the grenade into the room, and run like heck as it emits an ear-splitting noise.

3. Blast Off

Ok. Now we're getting into the alarm clocks that make you WORK to wake up. (Sound familiar? Clockyyyy...) As the alarm goes off on this little beauty, it shoots the rocket off in your room, and the only way to turn it back off is to get out from under the covers, find the blasted thing, and stick it back onto the launch pad. Yay.

4. Puzzled

Oh goody! Another one! This one shoots the puzzle pieces across the room, and you have to find them and then put them back where they go.

5. Get Up, Stand Up

Probably the hardest part about waking up in the mornings is actually dragging your sleep-ridden body out from under those toasty covers. This alarm clock plays on that weakness. It's actually a mat that you have to go stand on for it to turn off.

6. Keeps On Going, and Going, and Going...

Good glory. Another one. This one is guaranteed to jerk you from your dreams. What a brat. When it goes off, it make a continuous beeping noise and flashes green lights until you rotate the little arm lever for one and a half minutes straight. Think you can just take out the batteries? Ohhh no. The battery is built in, and rechargeable.

7. Humiliation

I saved the worst for last. This alarm clock just descends to a whole new level of Evilness. Its job is to shame you out of bed every morning, whether you like it or not. Plug in your cell phone, and if it keeps ringing, it dials a random number in your contacts. So not only will YOU have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, your dear Auntie Gertrude will too. And she will not be so dear to you when the first thing she hears is your groggy voice.

This One's For You!

Due to the fact that I sit around all day at work doing virtually nothing but watch stuff on hulu, text anyone who will put up with my chatter, and hit the refresh button on facebook, I've decided to give this blog some more lovin. It's been neglected lately, the poor thing.

First and foremost, this particular post is dedicated to my aunt Denise and my cousin Erica (who requested on Thursday that I refer to her as "Bertha". Whatevs. No judgment. ...Weirdo.). They have informed me that they are great fans of this here blog, and that Erica's roommate apparently has an awesome laugh when she reads it. Rock on, roommate. But for reals, I'm glad you guys like it! You'll be getting your thank-you presents in the mail. (If they aren't there in three years, blame somebody in Botswana. I'm sure it's their fault.) So...without further ado, I'll get to my topic of the day:

No One Wants To Hear About It

Let's face it. Some topics of conversation are dull. Snooze-worthy. Plain old boring. We are all guilty; we all find ourselves talking about this stuff at one time or another. But that doesn't make it right. Today I will provide you with a list of some things that no one wants to hear about. Ever. Not at lunch. Not on Facebook. Not on Twitter. Not while camping. Not any time. (Feel free to add in the comments section.)
  • How little you studied for the test, but still got a good grade.
  • Your dad's job. (Unless your dad is a spy, and even then, discuss sparingly.)
  • Anything about a car you don't own.
  • About the one time, six years ago at camp, when you ate a worm on a dare.
  • Your opinion on how great the Beatles were.
  • Your weird dream you had the other night.
  • The amount of sleep you got last night.
  • The building of your parents' new home.
  • Your thoughts on Mondays.
  • Who you think is going to win...anything.
  • How happy you are that a team won something.
  • The one time you got food poisoning from somewhere.
  • The starving children in Africa when you don't finish everything on your plate.
  • American Idol.
  • The time you got pulled over for something and the cop just gave you a warning.
  • The amount of money you got from dumping your spare change at a Coinstar.
  • Any concert or party that took place over three months ago.
  • Your headache.
  • Countries you want to visit.
  • Complaints regarding the lack of music on MTV.
  • Your infected toenail.
  • How your cousin flipped his car. (Unless your cousin is a spy, and even then, discuss sparingly.)
  • Things your phone can do.
  • Things your dog ate/tried to eat.
  • Why Macs are better than PCs (or vice versa)
  • The fact that stores put seasonal merchandise on display far in advance of the actual season/holiday.
  • Complaints regarding the recent changes made to Facebook.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Arrr, Matey!

I haven't blogged on here in forever. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm workin' on it. However, here is a funny for today.


A few lines from the above link:

"Pirates do not cry, except in the case of a loss of a shipload of rum."

"When drinking, pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men On a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed."

"A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

A Few Letters

Dear Mr. Menken,

Don't ever stop writing music.

Dear Snow,

I hate you. Stay out of my spring-time.

Dear Peru,

I'm excited to meet you!

Dear BYU friends,


Dear Spider,

I don't care if you DO have a wife and three kids. I will smush you with whatever means necessary if you step foot in my room again.

Dear Stars,

Thanks for being so gorgeous. Muah!

Dear Jimmer,

You rock. Also, good luck with your TV show.

Dear Neil Haskell (from SYTYCD),

Marry me?

Dear Payson Sno Shack,

I love you. And I'm upset I have to wait until I get back to eat one of your delicious snow cones.