Why Is That Guy Driving Without A Shirt?

Hello, my adoring fans. I know I haven't written for quite some time now. Summer has a devilish way of distracting you with other things. The rascal. However, summer is coming to an end. And so, my dear readers, I am here to ask you about one of the mysteries that comes with our sunny season: Shirtless Drivers. On any given day during the summer, you can spot at least one guy behind the wheel of his car sans shirt. Not that I'm offended by the lack of clothing, (if the guy is ripped then the sight may even be welcome) I'm merely curious. Baffled even. What motivates a shirtless driver? And since I'm too timid to ask one, here are some theories of mine.

• If he wore his shirt, he would have nothing to fling over his shoulder at the amusement park.

• He just got off his job as a bodybuilder.

• He's allergic to fabric and class.

• He's not wearing a shirt because this is America, dangit. Get your laws off his body.

• He is a gullible emperor.

• He doesn't want service at any restaurant.

• He's on his way to a soap opera audition. Preferably something with "Love" in the title.

• He had an argument with his shirt after his shirt promised to go to Walmart with him, but bailed at the last minute.

• He's a diehard sports fan who is meeting his friends at the stadium, where they will spell out "Go Team" on their bellies. He will be the empty space between the words, to avoid possible "Got Eam" mispronunciations.

• He can't afford a shirt because he spent all his money on pants, shoes, hats, sunglasses, thumb rings, and woven necklaces.

• He just put a big tailpipe on his car, and now he's worried that his Honda can reach speeds fast enough to burn the clothes of his body. So to prevent a forest fire, he doesn't wear a shirt. He's the real hero.

• He's a Twilight fan, hoping to find that his skin will sparkle in the sunlight.

• He is wearing a shirt. It's just that our X-ray vision has finally kicked in.